


Pillars of Salt

by TinCanTelephone



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: 2008 mortgage crisis AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, F/M, Fights, Heavy Angst, Hope, I was in a mood, Married Couple, Sadness, Yelling, hella angst, is that a thing? i'm making it a thing, or modern as in 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 09:38:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13097385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone
Summary: When his sister got married on a beach in Mexico and he and Jyn had a rare vacation, she'd dragged him, laughing, into the water and they'd bodysurfed for hours, until the sun began to set and it got too cold. That's what it feels like now, like he's being tossed about by waves crashing all around him. It's hard to tell which way is up, and whether he'll be able to breathe if he opens his mouth.It's 2008 and Cassian is unemployed after the housing crisis. Jyn works at a big box store. They struggle to adjust to their change in circumstances and try not to tear each other apart.





	Pillars of Salt

**Author's Note:**

> So there's a lot of political angst in the U.S. right now, and I guess this is how I deal with it.
> 
> This is really quite sad, and I did a lot of research on it that made me sadder, but I'm actually really satisfied with how this came out.
> 
>  
> 
> _Trigger Warning: this fic contains non-explicit references to a miscarriage._

Cassian always found speed-baking rather comforting. Not _literal_ speed-baking, just those videos of professionals making something incredible, like a giant cake shaped like an ice cream cone. When he needed to calm down or tune out the world, like when he was stressed at work or he and Jyn had a fight, he would sit at his dining room table, put on his noise-canceling headphones (in his opinion, way overpriced but well worth it) and just watch _hours_ of them from some youtube playlist or other. It was just mesmerizing, to watch everything come together so perfectly and so easily.

Right now, he's pretty sure he's been watching for at least an hour, videos blurry and streaming slow from the neighbors' internet, although if asked he wouldn't be able to say jack shit about them. It's like he's in a trance, frozen in place at his and Jyn's uneven kitchen table. It's raining hard outside, and the saucepan on the floor that catches water from the leaky roof overflowed some time ago, but he hasn't moved to replace it. The ceiling's still dripping, and with every drop more water sluggishly trickles down the stainless steel sides of the pot to the puddle slowly forming at its base.

Cassian glances at it. _How sad_. _Left sitting in a pool of its own waste_.

He wonders if Jyn's noticed. She's sitting in the living room, adjacent to the kitchen, with a book open in her lap. She's staring at it and maybe she's reading it, but Cassian can't remember the last time he heard a page turn.

Her eyes are red-rimmed and tired. He wants to go over there and hug her, or at least put his arm around her, but she pushed him away when they got home and he's still nervous to try again. He's ashamed, and he feels like a coward, but he can't move.

When his sister got married on a beach in Mexico and he and Jyn had a rare vacation, she'd dragged him, laughing, into the water and they'd bodysurfed for hours, until the sun began to set and it got too cold. That's what it feels like now, like he's being tossed about by waves crashing all around him. It's hard to tell which way is up, and whether he'll be able to breathe if he opens his mouth.

Except he's sitting still, staring at the sad little pan on the stained linoleum.

Their last house, much closer to the city center, had tile in the kitchen and hardwood floors instead of shabby carpet. It was a proper house for a newly married couple on their way up. It had a dining room separate from the kitchen and– Cassian remembers this in particular, from the day they bought it– two bedrooms. The smaller bedroom was a dull beige when they moved in, but they planned to paint over it, eventually. When there was someone else to sleep there.

But they're lucky to have their current house, he should remember. Even if the roof leaks onto peeling linoleum, and even if it only has one bedroom. He knows too many people who aren't so fortunate.

Still. It doesn't feel that fortunate.

"Don't go into work tomorrow," he says suddenly. "Stay home. I can be here with you." He tries not to cringe. _Because I'm unemployed. Because I was laid off and no one's fucking hiring_. _Because I can't support us._

She looks up and her stare is perfectly blank and it breaks his heart again, how carefully she's hiding all her pain. "No."

"Please."

"I can't do that, Cassian," she says. "I'm not wasting a sick day because _today was hard_."

He wants so badly to argue. Convince her it _is_ necessary, it _would_ be worth it, for her to stay home. But he doesn't, because she's right. So he's silent.

"The hospital bill's going to hit us soon anyway," Jyn continues. "I'll have to do overtime next week to cover it."

His hands clench. He wants to throw something. "How can they still not give you _insurance_?" It comes out more aggressively than he means it. He stands up and tries to pace across the tiny kitchen, but there's nowhere to walk, and all his anger and frustration has nowhere to go.

Jyn stands as well, feet set apart and shoulders square. She's angry, too. "Because I'm technically still part-time. And they'll never take me _full_ -time if I start taking days off."

"This is insane! Say you won't work unless they hire you full-time!"

She sneers. "Yeah, great idea. It's not like there's a fucking _hoard_ of people out there that could replace me. Let me just go give them a really good reason to let me go. This is why no one will hire you– you act like you're not just like every other unemployed accountant and that you should get special treatment because _you've_ fallen on hard times and _you_ really need it. Big deal– everyone really fucking needs it."

He slaps the laminate countertop, palms stinging. "No! They won't fucking hire me because I'm 'not a good fit,' or I 'don't have enough experience,' when I fucking know it's because I look like I should be pouring concrete for a fucking high-rise, or even better, picking Goddamn oranges!"He doesn't mean to, he never does, but he's raising his voice.

But so is she. She's practically screeching. "Well maybe you're just looking at the wrong firms!"

"I've looked at _every_ firm, Jyn! I've looked at every firm _twice_. No one. Is hiring!"

"Well look again! We can't _afford_ for you not to work!"

"Holy shit, you think I don't know that? You think I don't think it every day when I wake up and stare at the cracks in our bedroom ceiling? Every day when you go off to work at the fucking Wal-Mart and I stay here? Every time I look at this _Goddamn_ pot on the floor?" In that moment, it's all too much and he can't hold it back anymore. He kicks the saucepan, hard, so it flies into the cabinet with a clang and water goes everywhere.

The leak doesn't mind. It just keeps on dripping, adding to the puddle. _Drip… Drip… Drip_.

Cassian considers reaching up and punching a larger hole. The flood of water would be less infuriating.

Jyn's glaring at him and panting.

He should apologize. It's not her fault, no more than it's his. But they're blaming themselves anyway, because it feels like they're being punished, and it's easier to pretend they had any control of what happened. This evening or three months ago.

 

* * *

 

Three months ago, the bank foreclosed on their old house. Six months ago, they'd defaulted on their mortgage, which had shot up out of nowhere. Eight months ago, he lost his job. The firm was losing money, his boss said. They couldn't afford to keep him. He thought it would be temporary. That there would be more work.

Cassian hasn't worked more than a few temp jobs since then. They rent a shitty one-bedroom now, and barely pay for it with Jyn's wages from Wal-Mart. She worked there before, a few hours a week when she was still in school, but increased her hours when she dropped out. They couldn't afford it, her scholarships weren't enough and they were already too far in debt to consider another loan.

It still broke something inside him when she sold all her textbooks. He tried to convince her not to. She would go back, eventually. Once they got back on their feet. But she shook her head and boxed them up. They needed the extra couple hundred dollars _now_. They couldn't think about her degree anymore. They'd just gotten the foreclosure notice when she mailed them off, and he was thinking about boxes. How many they'd need. And how many things they'd have to sell.

The night before they left, he couldn't sleep, so he got up and sat in the second bedroom, thinking bitterly about what they had to give up. To him, the extra bedroom represented the biggest thing. They were young, and Jyn was in school, but they knew they wanted a family. It was always at the back of his mind, and the bedroom represented that promise, that hope.

But they had to leave, and who knows where they'd be living in the next few years. Who knows if they'd ever be in a place again to even consider such a thing.

Jyn found him eventually, sitting alone in the dark. She looked like she'd been crying, and when she touched his cheek, he wondered how long he'd been crying, too. She sat with him and clutched his hand. He leaned into her and they watched the sunrise create a square of light on the bare floorboards, through a window without curtains or blinds.

 

* * *

 

Jyn went off birth control when she dropped out of school and lost her insurance, so they made do with condoms. Cassian didn't really trust them and neither did Jyn, but they agreed it was better than nothing and nothing was not an option.

But there was a reason he didn't trust condoms, and a knot of dread formed in his stomach as soon as Jyn came home from work early, bleeding and in pain. He felt hollow at the hospital, where there was a blood test and an ultrasound. They learned there was something, and there had been for six weeks, but it was gone now.

Cassian wants to grieve it. Maybe it's irrational, because they never even knew what they lost, but it's still a _loss_ to him, and he thinks to Jyn, too, even if she doesn't want to feel it.

It's a practical thing for her not to feel it. He doesn't want her to be, but she's right– she has to work tomorrow. The hospital bill will hit them soon, and he knows because of it they won't make rent this month. But if she asks for more overtime and more hours now, maybe they'll make it next month, and that will be a relief.

Cassian can't remember the last time he spent a day not worrying– how they'll pay for groceries, how they'll pay for rent. For heat. For insurance on their old car with a rusted wheel well and broken door handle. There's so much to worry about, and it's been slowly draining him so he feels like he's been stretched too thin, like there's not enough of him to fret about it all.

He imagines Jyn feels the same. Maybe that's why they're yelling so bitterly.

"I'm sorry I lost it," she blurts. "I'm sorry I couldn't– I'm sorry it's gone."

Her voice is cracking, and Cassian can see her shaking from the kitchen. He can't stay away anymore. He never could. He crosses the room and pulls her into his arms.

She shudders and clings to him, tears leaking from her eyes and soaking through his shirt. "I'm so sorry," she whispers. "I'm so, so sorry."

" _No._ " He holds her tighter. "It is _not_ your fault. _Never_ think that." His voice is cracking and unsteady too, but she has to know that.

"I wanted it," she whispers. "I wanted it so badly."

"Me, too." He kisses the top of her head.

"But…" She looks up at him, eyes red and lips trembling. "What kind of world would we bring it into? What kind life could we give it?" She doesn't let go of him, but looks around. "One where the roof leaks and the floor is peeling? Where we can't buy it toys or nice clothes?" She pauses, looks back at him. "Where it can't have its own room?"

Cassian closes his eyes and presses his hands against her back.

"I wanted it," Jyn says into his chest. "But… I'm also a little glad that it's gone."

Cassian's chest is tight and there's a bitter tased on his tongue. The memory of the spare bedroom mixes with grief for their child that will never be born, that they can't even want anymore. "I know," he says. "I know."

It's not enough words, he thinks, to cover what he's feeling, but she seems to understand and kisses him. "I'm sorry I yelled."

He kisses her back. "So am I." He remembers the sauce pan and lets go of her, begins looking for a towel to clean up the water. "I'm sorry for this, too, Jyn. I'm sorry for all of it," he says, on his knees as he tries to soak up the water. "I wanted to give you better, you _deserve_ better–"

Suddenly she's on the floor as well, kneeling across from him. Her hands cover his on the towel.

He meets her eyes, sad and so, so green.

"So do you," she says, insistent. "And we'll– Things will get better. I- I have to hope for that."

Cassian has to believe her, like he has to believe the man on TV who wants to be president, who says "Yes we can" and promises _hope_. He has to believe it because it keeps them fighting, pushing through everything that seems stacked against them.

They replace the saucepan and finish cleaning up the water. They sit on the floor, shoulders pressed together and backs against the cupboard. Cassian can see the moon through the clouds out the grimy window, and he puts his arm around her. He tries to think about things they still have– like love, and each other. And hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Ending credits music:  
> "Viva la Vida" - Coldplay  
> "Fix You" - Coldplay
> 
> Title inspired in part by "Viva la Vida" but also by this quote from Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut:  
>  _And Lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been. But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human. So she was turned into a pillar of salt. So it goes._
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for reading– and for your comments and kudos, they make me so happy <3 
> 
>  
> 
> Update: author's commentary on this fic can now be found [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/169554971615/my-turn-cassian-always-found-speed-baking) and [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/175394689750/could-i-ask-for-3-4-7-and-9-for-pillars-of)


End file.
